i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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