my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
