if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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