Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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