Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
