please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
