i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize