He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
