apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
