That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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