dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
