You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
