oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
