I wish I could punch you in the face.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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