dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
