im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
