I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
