If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
