She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
