I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
