i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
