I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
