I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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