maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize