Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
