Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
