wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
