I don't usually arrange sex via text message
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
