I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
