We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize