she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I fill condoms, not promises.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
