we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
