WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
