And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
