i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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