Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
