guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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