im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
