if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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