i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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