OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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