it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
