I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hippo gnu deer
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
