You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize