I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize