I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
