I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
