my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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