I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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