we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
