God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
