I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
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