remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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