so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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