living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
