I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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