I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
