I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
