I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Sext me about skeletons
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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