Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
