i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
