I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i may or may not be watching the land before time
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize