HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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