remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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