the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
