I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
