Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
