I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
