I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
